Jean Dzierzynski, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
23181 La Cadena Dr. Ste. 103
Laguna Hills, CA 92653 USA
TEL: (949) 380-1880 FAX: (949) 380-3754
This phone number is for therapy/coaching information only!

BEING SINGLE

Being single has it challenges. Whether one chooses to be single or is actively looking for a partner, our world is very couples oriented. Many people long to be in a committed relationship. It is to this population that this newsletter will be addressed. This will be done in a question and answer format. Any interested parties may contribute their questions to the above listed email address. Questions selected and answers will appear in future newsletters.

*It is important to note that this is not therapy but a format wherein Dr. Dzierzynski can share some her expertise with our clients.

1. Question: I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and I have a major communication problem with him. Whenever I discuss an issue with him, he just nods yes or shakes his head no. I don't hear him speaking his mind nor do I hear him talk about his emotions. Could this be because his family never communicated with him?

Answer: Yes that is very likely. We learn all of our most basic communication skills from our families. Remember that we are talking about skills and we are all capable of learning new skills. It is important to understand that we are all able to change our behaviors-no matter how entrenched they may be. I would recommend that you talk with your boyfriend about what you have observed of his communication problems and suggest that the two of you work on them together.

2. Question: (Follow up) Are there any techniques that I can try to get him to open up to me?

Answer: The best way to get someone to open up is to become a very good listener. For example, in the previous answer I suggested that you bring up the problem with your boyfriend. It is best to bring this topic up at a time when you are not feeling angry or critical. This will only shut him down even more. Timing is everything! Bring up the problem when you are both calm and then listen carefully to what he says. Showing your interest and concern for him and your relationship will facilitate better communication.

3. Question: I have remained a friend with someone who was my first boyfriend. We continue to talk on the phone and try to get together about once a month. My current boyfriend absolutely can not understand the relationship I have with my ex-boyfriend. It has come to the point where he has forbid me to communicate with him at all. I don't know what to do because I enjoy our talks and we have a great time when we get together. What should I do?

Answer: This problem is not about your old boyfriend. It is about your relationship with your current one. He is feeling insecure about your relationship and it sounds as though your needs for communication are not getting met. One of the most vital aspects of a relationship is trust. This is a complex issue that is actually established the first year of life. If someone does not grow up feeling a sense of trust it is difficult to trust others. Your need to talk with and see your old boyfriend on a regular basis suggest that you and your current boyfriend are not communicating to your satisfaction. That is not to say that only one person should meet all your needs but your need to hang on to this old boyfriend is a red flag.

About Dr. Jean Dzierzynski...

Jean Dzierzynski, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist who has been in practice since 1985. She has a very successful private practice seeing patients of all ages and has a broad level of expertise. She has treated hundreds of singles and couples regarding relationship problems in individual, couple and group therapies. Dr. Dzierzynski also acts a "Coach" for various personal and corporate communications and personal situation issues.